B y C i n t r a W i l s o n In memoriam certain people are like big good anchors in your life that hold you to the world, that give you a sense of exalted, meaningful belonging and true comradeship in the highest sense. They are co-conspirators, people who get all the jokes. When someone understands you that well, you can never truly feel alone in the world. For me, that person was my best friend and lover Kevin Gilbert, the guy I lived in sin with for the year of 1995. He died suddenly over the weekend. We were inseparable, knew each other inside and out. He was a handsome prince of a guy who really helped me in my life. Generous beyond belief. He moved me into his castle, got me a great psychiatrist and helped fix my brain, stunned me with his wit and affection, bought me a car, took me out to dinner every night, and really showed me what it was like to be truly loved by a good man. He was the most talented human being I ever knew. A bloody musical genius. Picked up a cello one day and just started playing it. He was quite famous in some musical circles for writing and performing a lot of deeply personal rock songs with a lot of wordy lyrics and massive integrity. He never had the raging commercial success as a musical genius that he so richly deserved, despite the fact that he'd won a Grammy. He got standing ovations when he performed, and regularly received embarassing poetry from love-blistered fans, which I sometimes "accidentally" wadded up and threw away. There are moments when you feel so good with somebody that you miss them when they're right in front of you. Nostalgia is built into the moment, and you feel the excruciating pangs of too much joy.